


Why

by fourtimesaroundthesun



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Abrupt Ending, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Canon Compliant, Internalized Homophobia, Jealousy, M/M, Rated T for language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:29:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28039977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fourtimesaroundthesun/pseuds/fourtimesaroundthesun
Summary: Mark realizes some things after watching Donghyuck holding Sungchan's hand during the 90's Love MV reaction filming.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee
Comments: 8
Kudos: 171





	Why

**Author's Note:**

> Title inspired by "Why" by Shawn Mendes. [mv](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s_vSGwtNDoc) | [lyrics](https://genius.com/Shawn-mendes-why-lyrics)
> 
> Not beta'd, we die like men.

It’s 9 PM, and Mark is too tired to think. There’s still a sour taste in his mouth and a churning in his stomach from earlier in the day, when the 90’s Love subunit had filmed their MV reaction video. He frowns. Why had Donghyuck been so _clingy_ with Sungchan? It was annoying and excessive. Mark shakes his head to clear his mind and decides to head to the kitchen for a glass of water.

Speak of the devil and he shall appear, he thinks to himself bitterly, as he sees Donghyuck giggling with Jungwoo. Mark feels his stomach twist again as he observes Donghyuck’s crescent eyes and megawatt smile. Clearing his throat conspicuously, he gruffly inquires to the two, “Why aren’t you two in bed? Don’t you know we’re promoting?” 

Jungwoo, with a tone of levity that doesn’t match the piercing gaze that he’s fixing Mark under, breezily apologizes. “Ah Mark, I lost track of time. I’m headed off to bed. Good night.”

Donghyuck, on the other hand, is rolling his eyes. “You’re not my mom, Mark. You’ve been in such a strange mood today. What’s up?” 

Mark finds that his mouth is contorting into a grimace. “Why were you so clingy with Sungchan today?”

Donghyuck looks at him, confused. “What is this all about, Mark? You know I like to show my affection through skinship. Plus, Sungchan is new to NCT, I’m just trying to make him feel welcome and introduce him to the fans.” 

Mark feels the dark, ugly feeling ripping through him like a tornado. He feels like he’s lost all control when he spits out, “I think you just do it for the attention.” 

Donghyuck’s expression immediately shutters closed. “I have nothing to say to you, Mark Lee. Good night.”

Mark’s watching Donghyuck’s receding outline when he realizes he never got a glass of water.

***

It’s probably not something to be proud of, but he and Donghyuck are consummate professionals and have over the years come to master the art of putting on a good show in front of the cameras even when they’re fighting behind the scenes. So that’s exactly what they do the following day—put on a good show. It’s also convenient that most of the 90’s Love members aren’t as well-versed in their dynamics and don’t seem to notice or choose to ignore that there is a thrumming undercurrent of resentment between the two of them.

Well, except Jeno. Jeno always sees through their shit.

“What did you do this time, Mark Lee?” Jeno flashes Mark his famous eyesmile to downplay the moment for any observers, but Mark knows it’s a serious question.

“Why do you assume it was me?” Mark complains.

“I’ll let you answer that question on your own,” Jeno replies. Mark glowers. So what if maybe he initiates most of their big fights, it’s only because beforehand Donghyuck always pushes and pushes him to the edge of patience and sanity— 

Jeno glances at Mark, waiting for a response. Mark snaps out of his reverie and reluctantly summarizes what happened the previous night. When Mark repeats “I think you just do it for the attention,” he tries to state it as dispassionately as possible, but he can tell that Jeno is fighting to keep a neutral face. Now in the light of the day, the overwhelming self-righteousness Mark had felt last night is beginning to fade away into shame and regret. 

Jeno sighs deeply. “You know that Donghyuck is just friendly and wants to make everyone feel at home.”

“I know,” Mark mumbles. And he does know. Knew it since he was fourteen, and Donghyuck would be the first one to tease him, but would also be the first one to tell him, hyung, you’ve worked so hard, you should come home, would be the first one to hug him and rub comforting circles on his back as he cried of home—

“What can I do to help, hyung?” Jeno asks.

What Mark wants is Jeno’s advice. Jeno has always been frightfully perceptive. But at the same time, Mark is afraid that what Jeno has to say is something that he doesn’t want to hear. “I dunno,” he says instead.

“Well, I’ll be around if you change your mind,” Jeno offers as he stands, nudging Mark affably in the shoulder. 

***

Mark almost lost Donghyuck twice.

The first time was the infamous summer fight of 2017. They hadn’t been good at hiding their fights back then, and even the fans had noticed. Mark doesn’t even remember what they had been fighting about. What he does remember is how it ended—Donghyuck graciously laughing at one of his lame jokes, their eyes meeting across the room, suddenly a melting of ice, an armistice—

Afterwards, he had sworn to himself that he’d never let their relationship deteriorate to that degree ever again. He had been mostly successful, too. Until yesterday, at least.

The second time was when Donghyuck had fractured his tibia in 2018. He remembers feeling so _lost_ , in a way that he hadn’t since he had first come to Korea all those years ago. He had mentioned in their joint V-live that he had felt like he was starting over, but that didn’t even begin to capture it. They had been together for so long, grown up together, complemented each other so well, but it wasn’t until Donghyuck was gone that he realized that he hardly knew where one of them ended and the other one began. Who was Mark without Donghyuck? Mark didn’t know the answer. Didn’t know if he wanted to know the answer. 

Afterwards, he had sworn to himself that he’d appreciate Donghyuck more and try to return Donghyuck’s affection more. Grateful to meet each other for ten minutes, he had said in their joint V-live, overly earnest for the setting. He had meant it, too. Right after Donghyuck had come back, he had done a good job of it too—held Donghyuck’s hand onstage during their Seoul tour, laughed so adoringly at Donghyuck’s jokes during Wakey-Wakey filming that even he felt a little nauseated. However, like many new habits, with time he forgot his commitment to himself and went back to his old ways, ducking out of hugs and squirming away from kisses. 

Mark wasn’t as oblivious as his members probably thought he was. Mark knew he felt butterflies in his stomach when Donghyuck tried to initiate skinship with him. Mark knew it was wrong, at least according to the sermons he heard at church. Mark knew that they were co-workers in an overly judgmental and scrutinizing society so they’d be doomed before they even started.

So why is the image of Donghyuck holding hands with Sungchan burned in the back of his eyelids?

***

Mark’s an adult now, he tells himself, and adults talk things through. So at the first opportunity on their day off from music shows, he finds Donghyuck after breakfast and asks if they can talk.

Donghyuck remains expressionless but lets Mark lead him to the room Mark shares with their manager-hyung. Thankfully, his manager is out for the day to visit family. 

“I wanted to apologize about what I said the other day,” Mark blurts out shakily. Donghyuck remains expressionless.

“I don’t want to lose you,” Mark whispers.

Donghyuck doesn’t absolve Mark of his guilt, like Mark hoped. Donghyuck doesn’t reassure him either, like Mark hoped. “I’m tired of you hurting me,” Donghyuck responds frankly instead.

Mark winces.

“Is that what you were worried about?” Donghyuck asks. “Losing me?”

Mark isn’t sure, but Donghyuck doesn’t wait for a response.

“You should know me better than that, Mark. We’re like a rubber band pulled taut, we always bounce back to each other somehow. You’re my best friend.”

Best friend. 

The friend label is a label that I got to hate, Mark remembers them singing together.

Mark’s not sure where the surge of courage comes from—maybe fear—then again, he’s never had a very developed brain to mouth filter—but he hears himself say the words as if he’s outside of his body. “Envied Sungchan. Wanted it to be me that was holding your hand. Wanted you to be mine.”

Donghyuck looks shocked. Mark isn’t sure if he’s shocked because of what he said, or because he had said it. Donghyuck shakes his head. “It doesn’t work like that, Mark Lee. Of course every relationship has its give and take, but you don’t get to always be the one who decides whether to push me away or hold me closer. Anyway, it could have been you if you weren’t always wriggling away from me,” Donghyuck scowls.

“So what—what do you think of it?” Mark asks clumsily, hoping Donghyuck understands what he means. He feels so vulnerable, emotions laid bare like this. 

Donghyuck stands very still. “This is a lot to spring on me all at once. I need time to think. You know I care so much about you, but I’m not sure if it’s enough. And I’ve been here, Mark. I’m not sure what to make of it that you only told me this out of jealousy.”

Mark doesn’t have a good answer to that.

Donghyuck sighs and presses a soft kiss on Mark’s forehead as he leaves the room. Mark lets him go.

And Mark hopes.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed! Comments and kudos are very much appreciated :)
> 
> [cc](https://curiouscat.qa/4xaroundthesun)


End file.
